Friday, October 17, 2014

Absence of God

Does evil exist?

The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied, "Yes, he did!"

"God created everything? The professor asked.

"Yes sir", the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil". The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

 Author unknown

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Week 4 Friday

Don't you know?

Don't you KNOW!!??

Things WILL change.

Things'll go your way.

If you HOLD ON, for one more day.

I know that there is pain but you hold on for one more day, and you'll break free;

Free from the chains.

~Wilson Phillips (from memory)

This weight loss thing is tough! I am hanging on.

Being in pain sucks. It is taking away all of my work. Running. Running. Running!

I weighed in last Saturday at 237.9.


I started running again. 

The family walked to the lake, it was 2 plus miles. I wasn't in pain. I walked most of it and jogged the last .25 mile. 


 I decided to go back to the gym, get back on the pony that bucked me off (treadmill).

I ran a 12 minute mile!!!! I didn't stop once. I felt like it went by very fast. 

.25 mile:   3:07
.50 mile: 5:53
.75 mile: 9:04
1 mile: 12:00

I weighed 272 pounds in March. I weigh 237 pounds in May. WOW. 

The more I move, the stronger I feel.


I went to the gym with my husband, and ran a mile and a half. It took me a while..I think like 17 minutes. I wasn't running as hard as I do when I go on my own. It was nice to have the time with him though.

Got home and cleaned the house, while my husband cooked dinner: pork skewers, rice and salad. I passed on the rice, ate a big helping of salad with my "homemade" dressing with garlic oil and raspberry vinegar..mmm. The pork was so good. I had a small portion that got even smaller once I nibbled around the fat.


Tonight I went to the gym, for my time alone with God, while my husband slept. On the treadmill. I was going, prepared to run a mile and a half. Then I noticed the clock on the wall.

One hour to closing.

"Self, I am going to make you run for a solid hour."

Here we go.

It was SOOOOOOOOO not easy.

I sweat more than I've ever sweat, my hair was drenched, and I was dripping.


I was kicking some ass!!!

A woman from down stairs called, "Alright you guys, we're closing!".
It was at that moment that I crossed a specific distance. Its my number actually.

I had run for one hour, without stopping!
 I just ran 4 miles!!! Holy crap (not that crap is Holy)!!! 

This is a photo from about 2 weeks ago. My stomach is flat, my hips are coming in, my legs are leaning..
There is a lot stored on my butt and entire mid section, below my belly button really. 

I need to start toning my muscles with weights, phase 2.

I'll weigh in tomorrow....

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Week 3 Friday: Back Pain is Finally Passing

It's been a week since I hurt my back. I've slept the last two nights without any medicine, which is progress. (this too shall pass)

I've been doing a 20 minute complete beginners yoga class that I found on you tube. I like the guy's voice, he helps me relax.

What I have found:

  • I am SO NOT flexible! Really, it's no surprise to me, I just see the tremendous room for improvement. 
  • Same goes for my muscles; I can barely pull my own weight away from gravity!! My muscle, which I have a lot of, is probably very Kobe beef. (yum) 

  • I can't do yoga breathing very well. Inhale abdomen goes out, exhale abdomen goes down. I'm wondering if I WAS able to properly breath for running, would it help me improve my strength and  ability, can't hurt huh?! 
My next gift to myself, is to pay for a personal trainer. I want to learn how to train my body properly.

I think I'll continue with the yoga, and perhaps I'll take some real classes.  

Weight Loss


I have been sticking to my diet as far as calories go this week, and in fact I have a loss to report tomorrow...!!!


Yoga, in small doses. I also went on a walk around the block with my husband, getting more mobile again. It makes me upset, because I really have made great improvements in my health. I was motivated to get to the gym and jog.. 

note to self: no incline jogging....yet. 

I will do it again.. I still have another 50 or so pounds to go. I am still fighting. 

Writing in my blog

I work from 6 to 2:30, which are pretty nice hours when your kid is in school. It's just harder to find time to sit down and write as often. I've thought about it often..but didn't do it. It was my first week on the shift, I was working from 7:30-4, which was good too, but my daughter, 13, is home from school at 3, and she needs me. The other time is usually spent tending the house. I can't wait for Mother's Day. I am going to relax. I've never had a massage, I think maybe it's time for a first?


Continual Improvement. That's my life. I am so inspired to break my cycle, to cut off the "head of the giant" I want to see what I look like. ney, what I feel like when I am thin. I don't want to go back. This is my personal best. The lowest weight I have been in 13+ years. I have never been thin. Ever. 

Week 3 Wednesday Night: First Obstacle: Back Pain

Friday night I hurt my back on the treadmill. Climbing an incline at a slow jog (bad idea).

I hurt my back seriously in 2012. Stress found the path of least resistance,  and shot out of my lower spine. My sciatic nerve was pinched,  and I was frozen for almost 24 hours before calling the ambulance. The pain was worse than giving birth,  bar none. 

Methocarbamol, a muscle relaxer available over the counter in Canada, has been my life saver along the way. It flares up,  I take the pills for a couple days,  and I'm back on with  life.  I also take supplements that the natural Chiropractor suggested.

I was out of the muscle relaxer on Friday.

I thought maybe the pain would subside. It didn't. Monday I went to the gym,  prepared to just walk.  I don't want to lose this motivation.  I am so afraid that if I stop,  it will be hard to start again (This isn't my first rodeo).

Saturday I weighed in. No loss,  no gain.  I assume I am now holding water. When I work out hard, I retain while I heal.


Today is Wednesday. No loss,  no gain.  I did beginners yoga,  20 minutes,  to stretch out my lower back, that works so well,  but then I have to get mobile, and I lose progress.

I'm not quitting, by any means. I've just begun!  It seems though,  that something like this happens every time. 

Get sick,  get hurt. Gain weight.

My sister in law posted "if it's harder to start,  don't ever stop". 

I've been mostly very careful (fro-yo with the hubsters last night) with my diet, and I'm really focusing on drinking lots of water. I've discovered the importance of water through the hcg.. water moves waste out,  water cleanses. I think part of my back issue is the lack of water.
You probably wouldn't believe me,  but I seriously only drank coffee before the hcg, I hated water (still do).
Okay. Moving forward.  Headed for 2-3-0.

This Too Shall Pass

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Week 2 Tuesday Night: DIET AND EXERSIZE

238 pounds
Total Lost (as of last Saturday):34.3

My Wedding Day, 8/31/2013

Holy Back Fat Man!! 

1. PREPARE. most important!

  • Buy the food I can eat. Plan my meals. 
    • Trying to get a family to eat healthy is really difficult!! I will have to work on another blog for that. My kid will not eat Portabello Pizza, and actually took a bowl of nasty (but delicious) ramen noodles. This mushroom even looked amazing!!! I have two more in the fridge to make, so I'll try to get a pic of this thing. I put marinara sauce on the cap, then I brown to turkey sausages (I pre-cooked), I put 3 dabs of ricotta cheese and shred some fresh Parmesan cheese. Bake until the cheese is bubbly. YUM!!!  200ish calories 
      • (I eat 1200 calories; six times a day 200ish calorie meals)

1. Eat the right things. (Even when I go out to eat) Substitute where possible.

  • Protein. When out the flavors are so tempting. BE CAREFUL. KICK ASS! 
    • Chicken, Fish, Red meat (within criteria), stay away from pork. 
      • Lean meat, no sauces. SPICES ARE OK.. salt..well.. it's going to make you retain water, but the choice is yours. You aren't likely going to gain fat, but you will gain weight. UNDOOBIDIBLY!
  • Fat. In moderation
    • Nuts 
      • Almonds have about 200 calories in 25. 
        • a great snack, 12 almonds and a cheese stick, or some fruit.
          • the fat in the almonds quiet your brain 

      • egg yolk, avocado..cheese. (Mmmmm...cheese and wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine [in moderation]) 
  • Nutrients
    • Think Fruits and VEGGIES!! Whatever kinds you can get into your body. I like zucchini strips grilled with spices. I use a lot of FENNEL, because it is a bit sweet, so it gives me a feeling of satisfaction.. I really should eat more raw. 
  • Carbohydrates
    • I haven't started eating them yet. Not until the 1200 calorie phase is through. I am prepared though. Long Grain Brown Rice. As I understand, when toxins are released into your system from the fat cells, LGBR will actually help carry the toxins out. I will be eating Ezekial bread (freezer section, cheap at Trader Joes), with butter on it. I will eat quinoa and oats. 
  • Sugar. In moderation
    • The flirt fro-yo the other night with my family was in moderation. I had a few m&m's, and I paid for it at the gym. I gained nothing the next day. 
1.WATER no less than 64oz, Drink LOTS of water!! I'm so bad at it, unless I'm running.

1.ALL things in moderation
  • This includes sleep. 
  • This includes exercise. 
  • This includes exalting myself, even if it's on my own throne. I am not the King. God has brought me along this journey. He has kept me company, and encouraged me along. If anyone should be exalted, it is HE. 
    • I say this because when I look in the mirror I am seeing a woman I've never seen. 
    • I've never dressed this woman. 
    • I have never touched this woman. No one has. 
      • I am losing balance. God:Me:Others
        • I will love God with my whole heart, my whole soul and my whole mind. 
        • I will love others as myself.
I will finish out this week and next at 1200 calories per day. 


I run at night generally, after work. 

I use a Body Media to track my progress. Here's today's workout: 

You can see when I woke up, started work, break, lunch, break, off..hanging out. 

I ran for distance today. I did 1.5 miles. 

Current personal best...

Running sucks, but it really works well. And I feel great doing it.

Nay, I feel great knowing that I am able to do it!

The distance increase was my husbands idea.. I only did it, cuz he said I could.. it was 6 laps.. not horrible.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Week One Weigh In

If you read my blog last night you know that it was a rough week....

Here goes...

Before the shots I weighed 272.2, and I believe I was still headed upward. I was in the red zone.

OBESE is the word I use at work..

I want to see who is under this chub. I am finding my confidence each day in running, and in rest. My current days off are those with my husband, but I find that I can burn MASS calories on the weekend because I am moving around so much. Today I rebuilt the front porch, it had rotted out. My husband was sleeping, bless his heart. We are having the house painted starting Monday. I love being thinner, and fit enough to be slinging lumber, and cutting it up in the Home Depot parking lot.

This is 0 days-0 lost: First day off the HCG shot. (Last Saturday)


8* DAYS 5.3 pounds LOST
It's really 7 days;because it's after midnight it added the 8th day. I have not weighed myself for Sunday.

It was not until the 6th day that I finally lost a pound. 

Yesterday morning I stood in front of the scale, and I begged it for a 2. 
I was 243.4[ish]for a solid week. I gained half a pound, but then it went away...

Back to 243.4

I worked out so hard all week. I have been so good on my diet. 

Yesterday, on the sixth day, I finally lost weight. I weighed 241.9.I would have been ecstatic to see 242, but Thank you GOD for that extra bonus point 1!

I was on the 1!! 

Out of the Two Hundred Forties. 

I don't think I've been less than 245 since I had my daughter. 

Today I was very pleased to see that not only was I OUT of the 40's, but I snatched the 30's. 


Boom. THAT is Beast Mode. 

How I did it:(more details, including pics, in the rest of my blog story) 

1200 calorie diet 
Exercise 3-5 times a week
LOTS of water 

Gonna see where this takes me... should be interesting..

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Week One :Emo/Phys/Spir Update

Tomorrow is upon me!! Week one off the HCG.

Let me just say it has been a very tough week. Until this morning I hadn't lost anything.

Emotional Stability: I am trying to balance my value. I am not a number on the scale. I was mean to my body for its entire life, and now I see the consequences. I am excited about losing the weight and learning to live as this new person. My husband tells me that I am beautiful, but I have put into my mind that until I look a certain way, there is no way I could be beautiful in his eyes. I need counseling, the image of myself has been skewed. I will never look like the women my husband looks at. I become proud of my hard work, then see how far I have to go.  I compare myself to everyone now. I am working inwardly on replacing negative thoughts I say with positive ones. It's not easy. I'm trying to hear my husbands compliments, and believe them, that he honestly feels that way about me.

That's what is going on in my head...
Here's what's going on with my body.....

1 calorie is the energy it takes for water to rise by a single degree Celsius.

3500 of them, clumped together as a solid, equals 1 pound.

If I store 3500 calories I will weigh 1 pound more than before. If I burn 3500 calories, I will weigh 1 pound less.

My body needs a specific number of calories in order to survive. If I sit completely still, and simply breathe naturally, my body will burn a specific number of calories. This is called a BMR, or basal metabolic rate. Here's a tool I use.. 

I have a BMR of 1856.36. 

But I'm not completely still; I lift my arms, and engage my muscles; that requires additional energy. 

I need roughly 2550-2900 (1.375 & 1.55) calories per day to maintain my weight. It takes 3500 calories to equal a pound. I need to lose another 40-50 pounds, that is 140-175,000 calories I have stored on this body. 
I'm not a number, but I know how the numbers work. 


Tonight I ran a half mile at 6.0, then ran 5.0-5.5, with bursts along the way (mountain range below). I have a new personal best..10:29 mile. I believe they call those small victories. I'll take it. 

My Body Media Workout from today. It reads your level of exertion.

I was > 95% true to my diet.. My body is starting to tell me when it's time to eat.. it didn't used to, because it didn't have to. Now it's trying to talk to me, and I'm learning to listen to it!! If you'd like to know a typical day, ask. 

As I understand muscle weighs more than fat.

So I am assuming that I gained muscle (tons of squats) and held water. My muscles were swollen, from the micro doubt that I burned stored fat for energy, only eating about 1200 calories, and burning all the additional from activity. 

1856 needed for living and an additional 1000 for activity. 
Eat 1200 calories. 
2856-1200=1656+calories removed from my body. Just over 1/2 a pound. It's a lot of work, but it works. Every time. 

Muscle burns more calories... my cardio burns a lot.. but I need to burn more with weights... I think I need a personal trainer.. so I can learn how to work my body...

Friday, April 25, 2014

Crib notes, Day 6 4.25.2014

Recap: Took Hcg for 6 weeks, lost almost 30 pounds. Now I'm off of it, the real work begins. Keeping it off, and digging under the rest of this chubb. Getting ready to start week 2.

Two days to weigh in. This morning I recorded no change from last week.

How frustrating!! 

No change is WAY better than having a gain, which I experienced initially... it was just a small gain, but a gain none the less.

As I understood, I should have expected to gain up to about 6 pounds or so right after I got off the shot. It didn't happen, so I'll take my small victory!

I'm actually on level 284, just re-installed...

I worked out Saturday at the gym with my sister, we did 4 reps of 1/4 mile at rapid pace (5-5.5mph), then we did HIIT sets of squats, lunges and misc exercises. We chose three exercises, then we ran again.. It was a hard workout, and my body has felt it all week. 

Sunday was Easter; after church my husband went to sleep, he's a new Sheriff's Deputy and works graves. I headed north about an hour to get my daughter. She stayed the night with her cousins.

Delicia, my sister, was thinking I was going to be coming by much later, so to keep me around she invited me over to her friends Easter celebration. I did very well, no sweets, I had some white turkey, a fruit mix-up and salad. I mingled with old people, and watched as they ate peanut m&m's. It wasn't easy.

When we got back to her house I tried talking her out of the planned workout; she wasn't havin' it.

So we did another HIIT wod, 11 intervals, 30 seconds each, 10 second rest between intervals, and 1 minute between sets. I was so exhausted afterward, but still had enough energy to play a hardcore game of tether-ball with my brother. 

Monday I managed to go on a walk with my husband, just around the block with the dog. That was all I had in me.

Tuesday I was in the gym, I ran......

Rabbit Trail.....
Speaking of Running...

April 12th:

I ran at 4.5 the entire time, 13:17
April 13th:
14:03! I finished an ENTIRE MILE in 14:03!! I used to wog, and it would take about 15-20 minutes to complete a mile. I was so proud.

and then I got better.. when I tried harder.. April 14th:

A little faster..more importantly though, I did it again!!
April 16th:

Now we're talkin' I took almost an entire 2 minutes off of my "best" time!!
 April 17th:
5.0 for a mile. This is so mental. The mental is WAY more difficult than the pain in my legs.
 April 22nd:
I ran at 5.5 for most of this.. it averages out..

Interesting thing about my time.. my daughter has to run at school for a grade; the time I got would be a D!! I was running like I stole something!!
******End of the Rabbit Trail

Wednesday my husband and I went on a date, we drove about an hour south, to try a new restaurant, with food he'd enjoyed in Japan when he lived there. The ramen was SO good, fresh noodles. I had only one bite of the noodles, but I drank ALL of the broth, and ate the veggies. I can't imagine the salt was good for me, but it was very good.

Thursday I hit the gym. I did a treadmill wod, like the one I did with my sister on Saturday.

Here I am.. hoping for a loss... so thankful it's Friday.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Post HCG Week One Day One

Current weight 243.3 (First day off hcg) Goal:185 by Nov 11, 2014. Day 1. Today I rested. I worked out 6 days last week. Tomorrow I go again. I have 206 days to lose 58.4 pounds. I was 249.2 last June. About the same weight I am now. I cannot wait until I get into the 230's!! So every Friday I'll post an update. Keep me accountable.

This past week I decided to try running the mile. I discovered that I could do it!! I did a 13:29, 13:17, 13:04 and yesterday (Thursday) I did 11:30!!! ONE ENTIRE MILE!!!! Granted, that's only a 5.0, and's not that fast (my daughter would get a D in her gym class!!), but damn it.. I felt like I was running away from a cheetah!!! Slowly but surely. I am going to continue... I WILL see the woman under this chub. 

Before: April 8, 2014 (10 days ago..close enough)

Sunday, March 16, 2014

HCG Day 1

Didn't cheat on my diet.
Ok that's a lie.

This morning I made homemade cinnamon rolls for my husband, daughter and her friend. I made homemade cream cheese frosting too. As I was cleaning up the empty dish I scraped some of the cheese/sugar mixture onto the end of my finger and put it into my mouth. It was tasty. I turned the warm water on quick.

Other than that I have not cheated one time since I started this diet last Saturday.

I have lost 12.3 pounds as of this morning.

I have found that one of the most important parts of this diet is preparation. When it is time to eat, I'd better have something ready. I have a backup plan (Ultralean meal replacement) for the time that I am not prepared. I just made a big batch of Turkey Chili.. should last 3 days. I need to make something else, so that I don't get bored. I add a tablespoon of plain nonfat greek yogurt to add some twang.

Drinking lots of water, including green tea.

So my diet started 8 days ago. I weighed 272.2. Today I weigh 259.9. 

About Me

My name is Donna, of course that's not my real name . I am 36 years old, I live in Washington state with my husband, my daughter, my Boxer and the cat.

My family is new. My daughter is 13. I have been divorced from her father for more than four years now. I married my best friend in August of last year. He never had kids. He is retired from the military, Navy, after serving our country 20 years. I started dating him after he came back from his last deployment. I loved him from our first date. I loved him while we were friends, and I love him even more, now that we are married. He is an only child. My daughter is an only child. She swears she will never marry an only child, because she doesn't want her child growing up without Aunts and Uncles and cousins.

I am middle child. I have an older brother who lives in Oregon, where we grew up, and I have a younger who is serving in Georgia right now; he is in the Army. We grew up in the country.

My dad was in a motorcycle accident when I was 9, and he damaged his brain. He is paralyzed on the left side, which means he scrambled the right. He used to have better short term memory, at least 10 minutes.. he's at about 5 now. He remembers bits and pieces about my childhood. When I call him I never call him dad, because I don't sound right to him. I wait for him to ask me, and I say it's Donna. He says, that's what I thought. I was the twinkle in my daddy's eye. 

Alcohol took him away.

My mom raised three children on her own. I have never seen her hug another man. I have never seen her kiss another man. She honored her promise to her husband. I hope that when my dad passes that God would bless her with a man that will treat her like the amazing woman she is.

I don't have a relationship with my older brother, another story. 

My younger and I speak when he is drinking. When he isn't drinking he doesn't call, because he is spending time with his family. He is a good man. He inherited my father's taste for beer. He and my older both did. I can't stand the stuff. If I drink I drink hard a, and I get into my happy place, and I stop drinking when I get there. I like to be in control of what I am doing. I once thought that I was going to become an alcoholic, so I stopped drinking for a while. It was becoming a habit. I'd come home from work and have a drink. It helped.

My problem is like many others; food. I can't stop, I have no will power to avoid eating the things that got me into this state of being. I know why I allowed myself to hide behind the food. Now I am trying to shred off the damage I did. I would ultimately like to lose 100 pounds. But for right now I am focused on the amount

This blog is going to record my emotional rollercoaster. My husband went to the Police Academy this week, he'll be gone for a month. He is going to try to come home on the weekends (it's only about an hour and a half away), but that may be hard. I am try to lose 30-40 pounds by the time he graduates. April 11th I believe. I started this diet on the 8th. Today is the 16th.